Saturday, May 20th, 2006
it’s 520 am.. cant sleep… have been studying, 9 more days to first paper. feel tired but cant sleep… shit! now i regret that i did not start studying earlier. it’s because of 2 things, overconfidence and my ex-gf. well, u see, i’ve always thought that i’m clever so i tend to take things easy.. same case with exams this time round. i thought i can score with a little studying at the last minute, so instead of studying, i played. went back to indonesia, went KL, JB (3 times!), chilled with friends, clubbing, etc. u get the picture of the good life. hehe. now then i regret. UOL aint exactly a walk in the park.. ex-gf? my ex-gf can be quite studious, so last year, she made me study quite early on. that’s why i managed to do quite well for myself. now that we;re not together, nobody to really pull my ear… oh well. the past is the past, now i need to look forward.
i am actually thinking of forwarding one of my paper to next year by not attending the exam for that paper at all. i can actually quite safely do this because due to my 1.5 module exemption, i only need to take 3 modules instead of the normal 4 next year. but question is, if i do it next year, can i do better? and which paper to forward? think think.
for the first time in my life, i am stressed because of studies, i find that i dont do as well under stress.. cant really take my time to slowly ponder and digest what i read. I started smoking again recently (been smoking since 14) because i do feel that it help me study better, calms me a little but i have to be careful, sometimes i smoke too much that i get nauseous.
i have to admit though, it is time like this that i feel having someone is good. not someone as in girlfriend but as in Someone from “up there” kinda envy people who can just let go of everything, of pride, ego and in all humility, ask for strength and ask for help from God. I can do it too, i know, but the thing that lingers in my mind is that after all this is over, will i still be able to let go of all my pride and ego and ask from Him for everything there is in life? big and small? if i cant do it, especially in the small matters, then might as well dont start because if not, i’ll just be a hypocrite — only believe in Him when i need Him.
you see, like any other guy with a huge ego, i believe that everything is in MY hands. that the amount of effort is directly proportional to the results or returns i get ie there is no agency costs (hee hee) but i have learned that this is not the case sometimes and there is such a thing called fate. i just choose not to believe in it much. hurts my ego to believe in it. sad huh? but this is actually what makes me tick. i am afraid once i let go, then i wont work as hard to tackle my problems. i’ll be submissive just go “if He wants me to have it, He’ll give it to me”
my housemate was telling me that she thinks there is a strong calling for me to go into christianity. she’s a staunch believer and like any good believer, she tries to influence me for fear of me going to hell (never understood this part though, Jesus is so evil ah? either u’re with him or against him mentality? freethinkers who do good how?) in all honesty, i do feel it though, for the past year or so, i’ve been hanging out with more christians… be it outside friends, school friends, housemates, customers and suppliers… and i have this huge crush for a strong christian. Oh boy, she’s great! pretty, smart, confident, hardworking, thrifty, down-to-earth… the easiest way for me to approach her is to accept her invitations to go to church and prayer meetings with her because that’s what she does with most of her free time and she always talks about it. but thing is, i feel for reasons mentioned above, that i am not ready yet to accept christianity.. i dont feel comfortable going to these places just to go after a girl, it’s against my principles. a man with principles or a guy who is not willing to sacrifice for the girl? i dont know. have been accused of both.
to me, principles are very important. it what makes me proud of who i am. what makes me able to look back in the past and confidently and proudly say “i have made the right decisions” some arent easy, but to me, it’s the right thing to do. that’s why i’ve pretty much given up on this girl, i’m in the submissive mode of “hey, if we are meant to be, then the “one up there” will pull strings and we’ll be together happily, with no conflict of beliefs/principles”
so will the main character of the story get the girl? well, keep reading the posts! hee hee. life is fun aint it? so full of drama. =) oh~ good luck to all who are studying k.
