My Blog

frankly, i have been feeling kinda down lately… i think i’m suffering from a mild depression, not really used to being single you know… time with my ex was good while it lasted. REAL good and i’m thankful to her and to the "up there" for it. But hey, i made a decision to break it up so here i am sticking to it.. it kinda suck… but it’s the right thing to do… i hope i wont regret it 20 years down the road…

had some time to think about it, and with messages from a friend i have decided to just lay back and enjoy life and see what it can offer me~ i’m going to just be myself for a while, stop "playing" the dating game and just go by instinct/spontainety/mood and not thinking so much… playing the dating game has made me have mood swings! (macam girl like that know!) i like the times when i’m happy, but there’s also the downs to deal with… *sigh*

the irony to everything here is that actually tonight, i found out that i like somebody… out of so many girls to choose from, tall, pretty, long silky hair, etc. the heart has to choose a plain jane! hey~ at least it’s consistent with my motto of finding someone as screwed up as me, no more no less… haha

i’ll try this out and see how life treats me. I’m a born pessimist but i wanna learn to be an optimist… life just looks better as an optimist dont you think? but then again, chasing blind hope is also suicidal… like a lot of things in life, it’s a fine line.

Writing this has remind me of a very old song… if i’m not mistaken the song goes like "que sera sera sera… whatever will be will be will be" i’m going to download it now.. thank god for the internet and for the internet being as free as it is now! haha! i thank all of you who have taken the time to read the whole blog. i’ve been complaining quite a lot recently and the writing has been kinda depressing at times… i thank you from the deepest place in my heart~ writing this has been a good outlet and a source of comfort to me. i thank you you all!

PS. those who leave a comment like my dear rachel did will receive a free milo peng treat from me!

i know! i know that in my latest entry i said that i’ll lay low for awhile and not write anything for a while, but funnily, after i wrote that entry, when i showered, i thought of what to write… been thinking of it for the whole day and my thoughts were actually confirmed when "it" happened again today… what is "it" you may ask… well, stay tuned boys and girls! same time, same channel next week! haha! okok i wont do that, the suspense may kill some! and i dont want any blood on my hands!

in the recent few days, i have been asked the question for many times (almost 10!)… and this is a topic that i cant just wave off with a smile and a simple "it"s a long story" you see, its about religion. you know what they say right? the 3 things not to talk about to people u just met are religion, politics and your ex. *laughs*

when people ask me what is my religion, i usually say i’m a free thinker, but for some reason, they usually follow up on this and ask me "how come you dont believe in god" or something along these lines… this is the question that is the long one…

well, i am basically a free thinker, i’m not an atheist mind you… i DO believe that there is someone "up" there… but i just chose to stop there and not continue to "choose" who to be "up" there. you get me? here, let me reiterate — i believe that someone is up there, he is the creator of man, has power over us etc, but i dont want to acknowledge his identity, after all, Muhamad, jesus, the lord, etc, all preach the same things… dont they? correct me if i’m wrong K (haha! a trap to get comments! lol!)

i used to not believe in a higher being, used to think that it’s a load of crap that humans just made up to make themselves feel better when something happens and also someone to blame when something screws up. Imagine the ecstasy i felt when i found out that Karl Marx said the same thing! "religion is the opium of the people, it is the heart in the heartless world" those were his words… However, living life, it has made believe that there is someone up there… sure there are phenomenons like in floods, churches and mosques are the one left standing while the rest are flattened, cars with lucky charms are left unscratched in a row of cars that caught fire during riots, etc. But what made me change are not this, it is the personal experiences that i’ve encountered myself.

let me share with you something that happened that i label as "up there’s doing" (those unexplained, must call Xfiles kinda cases! *enter X-file music* hehe!) when i was wooing my ex (dun tell you which one!) things were quite hard. By that time, i’ve already established that i like her (dun ask me how i know, i just know, you know?) but getting closer to her is hard as we dont share much… we study in different schools, have very little common friends and we seldom go out together… it gotten so bad that i actually jotted down some topics before i call her! just to make sure that there is no awkwardness between us! it gotten better after a while (i woo her for almost a year leh brudder!) with us making common friends and we getting to know each other better… however, the turning point was one fine night, when i called her… i could tell from her voice that she has been crying.. i let her be for a while and then poked my nose in her sorrow.. that was the time that we clicked and her feelings towards me started (i checked!) the rest is history…

until now, i still dont know what made me call her that night… i remembered that i just came back from a badminton game and havent showered.. the urge to call was just there. i called and we talked for hours, until 3 or 4am if i’m not mistaken! (nope, i didnt bathe after tt, i knew you were curious!) it’s just something that the up there did me thinks. then and even until now… it makes me wonder whether i did the right thing breaking up with her.. but no point crying over spilt milk eh~ it’s all water under the bridge now~

here’s something that happened even more recently! i called this girl up for a friendly chat and it happens that she just finished showering, so me, being the sweetest guy on earth (OI! ppl got say this to me hor!) actually stopped her ranting and suggested that she dry her hair and all before i call back in half an hour. She appreciated that and added that her phone has some problems, it goes off intermittently and that it depended on my luck whether i can call thru or not. i dismissed that and hung up. True enuff! half an hour later, it’s off! come on… i dont believe that such coincidences happen. it’s just either one of 2 things: 1)that the "up there" doesnt want me to call her or 2)she turned it off knowing i’ll be calling. either way, it’s bad for me huh? haha. oh well, life goes on~

note to my dear sweet sweet friends who i love and who has taken precious time to read my blog! i love you all and you bunch are the best bunch in the whole wide world! (a little bootlicking wont hurt anybody right? hehe): i’d appreciate it if you all dont get upset if i refuse to reveal the identities of the people mentioned in my blogs. sensitive lah sometimes~ and i also must respect the other party’s identity mah~ so please please, pretty pretty please, no get angry with me k… *teary eyes* i write stuff here not to imply or send indirect messages or anything… trust me, it’ll all for fun laughter peace and joy! honest! cross my heart! may lightning strike me if i’m telling a lie! hehe!

limton out!

Like singer Bob Marley said, "no woman no cry" although the lyrics of the song has no meaning, but i do agree with the title. Women…. let us take a while and ponder about the opposite sex, or the fairer sex as some would call it (really? huh~? i’ve seen women who are more tanned than me!)

Women, they are the source of happiness, the giver of life, and like two sides of the coin, they are the source of unhapiness too… cant say much about taker of life though. heheee. Ever since i’ve broken up with verly, i have tried playing the dating game — getting to know more people, zoning in on the ones i’m interested in and then just see what happens. Doing this has made me unusually happy and unhappy, well, if they’re responsive and in good mood, then i’ll be too, alas, if they’re the opposite or if they decide to pull some stunts, then i’ll be confused and unhappy. Been thinking about this and i think i’ll just lay off for a while and live life as a single for awhile, after all, i’ve been attached for 10 good months. Maybe i’ll join a friend’s "jomblo club" with the official slogan of "no love allowed here" haha

On the topic of blogging and breaking up, it has gotten me a little upset that my ex would write a full blog titled "how to get over a jerk" i’m not really bothered about it, but i’d like to think that i’ve done the right thing and took the hard road. Just a little upset that she doesnt see it that way. However, reading her blog (yep! i know you read mine too! and i know that you know that i know!) was kinda good. This and some event that happened recently actually confirmed my thoughts that we’re just not suitable for each other. But i do want to be friends, it’s just such a waste to lose someone that you know so well you know.. but if she’s made up her mind, then i guess i’ll have to respect that. it does take 2 hands to clap~

Love is a funny thing huh? can 2 person of the opposite sex be just good friends? i dont know, never happened to me. and the one time that i do have a good female friend, i’d have to admit that i do have my crushes on her from time to time, it’s just that i’ve decided to not go that road because i know that we dont suit each other. Does that mean i’m desperate? maybe… i dont know. It does get kinda lonely here sometimes. A friend of mine when asked about this said that it is possible, just that they both need to overcome the initial suspicion. He may be right and he might be wrong. I’ll just have to open my eyes and see for myself.

Humans… we a funny bunch huh? always seeing that the grass is always greener of the other side… not appreciating what u have in front of you till you lose it.. always looking for perfection in every sense of the word… oh~! u get my flow~ I AM looking for "the one"…. the one badminton racket that can up my game, the one life that can make me happy, the one woman who is just the right amount of perfection as me~ (or just as screwed up as me!). But is there such thing as "the one" in the first place? i do not have an answer to that. i’m still thinking about it, pondering, contemplating, meditating (as if!) on it. will let you know when i have the answer! before that happens, just sit back and relax… this may take a while man~ =D

On a more light hearted note, even after specifically asking for comments, i still dont have any! *sobs* but it’s good. i actually have a few friends coming to tell me that my blog is good! haha! so happy! and noone bother to offer me a candy of sort! someone did in class, 2 times, but it wasnt because of the blog. I know that for fact.. but she is still damn sweet for offering me that well needed sweet! it’s the sweetest sweet that i took! haha!after this post, i think i’m going to lay low for a while. Dont think have much thing to write at the moment. Like i said, i lead a simple boring life… *bore* but i may be wrong! so stay tuned k!

to be honest, i’m not completely sure that i am comfortable with writing this entry. This has, by far, been the most personal entry to date (i know only got 3 entries, but still…) i dont know what repercussions it may have. Just got to wait and see i guess. Hell! dont think a lot of my friends read this anyway. hehe

Peace out!

i think there is a chance that i may be addicted to this blogging thing… cant get it off my mind… what am i going to write, who i’m going to curse and how to do that so that most of the people know without that person having any concrete evidence to sue that i defamed him! if not i can go prison! A close friend actually suggested that i set up another blog, this time an anonymous one and using fictitious names to curse these people… let me think about it… haha

i guess part of the reason why i like blogging is because it gives me a chance to reflect… be more acquainted with the real me. Just recently a friend said "hidup ini bagai sandiwara" for you out there who dont understand french, this means that life is like a play. She kinda took the idea from Mead (sociology! go dig it up!) but it’s true.. we all are like actors and we all put on masks in different situations and with different people. i think this is why we are all lonely in this world and we yearn to find the one that can see us for who we are and love us for being who we are. To make the search worse, there must be a double coincidence of this happening, ie, both must go nuts about each other! *whistle whistle* god didnt make life easy for us huh? oh well~

but to be honest, i would appreciate comments on the blog. i dont think there are any way i can track the traffic coming into this blog, hey hey, i know what you are thinking… and yes, i’m a narcissist! i love myself above all! but dont we all?

anyways, today i attended marketing lesson and it was mind numbing! i actually went out twice. Both times with a friend and we went to canteen, went in and then went to poo together~ haha! YES! i derive a higher utility/happiness from pooing together with a GUY compared to listening to the marketing lecture… the worst part is, when i got back and flipped back, i realised i understood everything, that i need not worry about missing lesson and ultimately, that i made the right decision! will take into consideration skipping more marketing lessons!

backtracking a little, the guy actually think that blogging are for pussies! i disagreed with him, but didnt bother to reply much, just told him to try it for himself… ironically, later that day, i found out that he’s playing netball! now who’s the pussy? lol! no disrespect intended! and especially to him, "ngentot lu!" (yup! french again!)

while writing this blog, my hands feel weak, i’ve been pushing myself at the gym for the past 2 days, kinda sick with not seeing much of a difference in the mirror. I’ve decided that i’m gonna give my all in the next month or so.. and if i dont see any improvements, then i’m not going to renew my membership when it expires in…. another year plus (i know it’s kinda dumb, but hey! i’m a determined guy!)

now is the part where i dont have anything else to write. I guess i lead quite a simple life.. (i refuse to use the word "boring" coz i’m not!) but simple is good. no drama, means no sudden happiness and sudden sadness, which is good i think. Just live life slowly, peacefully… got age already lah! *cough cough*

speaking of coughing, i have been under the weather lately… i’m too heaty and it has gotten so bad that my ears and nose are blocked. My throat is kinda sore too. so if you’re reading this and happen to see me, do offer me some candy if you have k. *wink*

i guess i’ll stop here. i’ll go to sleep for a while and then will go play badminton later. besides, i saw my first post, and wow! it was long! it’s amazing what crap you can write huh? and to think i even complained to my sec sch teacher that writing 150 word long essay is hard! if he would to see me now, i think he’d be proud!

see ya!

today is monday night, the 10th of oct 2005, been thinking of trying out this blog craze for a while now… i got to admit, i thought of it as a waste of time, but ever since so many poeople are hooked to it, and even getting jailed over it, there has to be something to it~ hell, a friend of mine is even dedicating her whole year’s work into researching blogs! (yes, it’s you)

at this point in my life, i just broke up with my second gf. and wuut! after the breakup, i hate to say that boy she looks better than ever! guess a friend’s theory of looks vs relationship time is correct… he said that the way a person looks is inversely proportionate to the time the person is in a relationship. once relationship is over, the person will look good again coz it’s we’re finding a mate again! basic animal instinct! we’re all monkeys dude !

i guess life has been good. but as always, it could be better (haha! we all human lah, brudder) i’m kinda glad that when i reflect back on the past, i dont have much to regret over. I am proud of who i am. Sure i have my weaknesses (go ask my ex!) but generally, i’m a good guy, blessed with many good things. Like always, these things can be better, but generally, i’m contented with what i have and who i am. This is more than many people can say about themselves. (no! not u! u’re a friend, so you’re good! haha!)

Writing this paragraph is kinda difficult, i don’t know what to write. Should i talk about badminton? how in this few weeks i found out an area of my game that is sorely weak? or should i talk about me being unsure about my future? future with respect to what i’m gonna do after i serve my 3yr tuition grant, or just my immediate future — what should i do tomorrow?

we all have insecurities, but i do believe that things have a knack for working out for themselves. what is meant to be is meant to be, but the fun in it all is in how we try and put effort into it. I sincerely believe that humans need to be unsure of the future, if we all know our fates, then we’ll all be lazy bums staying at home "scratch backside" <— a friend’s fav phrase.

at this point in my life, time passes very quickly. one day it’s monday, the next thing i know it, it’ll be monday again! i dont even know what have i been doing with my time — i dont sleep much, i dont play comp games and such. But it’s good. i get to do whatever i want, whenever i want. But strangely, i get the feeling that i am in some twilight zone and everything is all blurrly and fuzzy. Now i’m doing this, the next thing i know i’m doing another thing. I think i need some time to sit under a tree or watch some water flowing and just ponder about life. after all, what is life if we dont have time to stop and stare? — quote from some famous guy i forgot. I actually did sit under a tree today, while waiting for an SMS from someone… but instead of pondering about life, i actually fell asleep! haha! oh life…

"nobody dies a virgin, life screws us all" — cool quotation eh!

i would like to end this session with a saying that i believe is very true. Ironically, it’s not by some famous thinker or great leaders, but it’s from a japanese animation movie titled "gundam seed destiny". the saying goes like this, "we are all unsure of the future, so what we can do is what we think is right for now. When the future unfolds, we can all be happy or regret it later" it’s not really some chiminological chimness, just something for you to ponder about when lectures becomes draggy.

k lah. i’m off now. thanks for taking time to read this crap. i had fun writing it.